[True silence. His mind leans to think about it, his own words, saying such a thing, and then about Chrollo's question. Should Chrollo be gone, should he die- should Hisoka be who ends him, in this world- no, back home, where it was final. He supposes he would just move on, yes. Fight the legs of the spider as they clawed at the air without a head to direct them. He supposes he would.]
[But now.]
[Could he say the same?]
[He doesn't think about it- doesn't want to, as he said. So he stays facing away. Closing his eyes, and focuses on everything else around them. Sound, breeze, his own heart, slow and steady now in his chest. The slight prickle still in his skin. Chrollo's words echoing in his ears. His stomach tossing from the idea of it-
Him gone. A world without him. Why does it keep prying at him? He really feels like an idiot now, ah- and not for the reason Chrollo said it earlier.]
[He sighs a breath through his nose, a light laugh, his eyes closing before he leans back. Still sitting, but slumping up against Chrollo's front, leaned back over his lap till he can look up at him. His lips curl, offering an oddly genuine sort of smile.]
[It's odd to hear something like that from him- for several reasons. The first being Chrollo's own acceptance of death that Hisoka's rather aware of. How couldn't he be? With how willing Chrollo was to defend his 'friends', how willing he was to go after Kurapika after seeing what he was capable of- and how he willingly spends this much time with him, someone who's not at all secretive about how he wants to end the Troupe Leader.]
[Then there's just- who he's saying it to in general.]
[Hisoka's not naive to how he can be, he knows he has issues, knows that he hardly deserves anyone to say that to him. He isn't bothered by it, and has never sought out someone to care or feel anything should he endanger himself, should he even die. So to hear it like that- it's weird.]
[He's frowning when and if Chrollo looks down, not really sure of his reply for a few moments before finally looking forward again, still slumped back against him and not about to move.]
At least you have help now, should I disappear. [Because that's- the main issue right. What makes the most sense anyway. He has Uvogin's company, an enhancer, simple at times, in ability, but strong, useful, capable. Maybe his mind is just- purposely avoiding any other reasons. Or trying to- for some reason his gut feels unsettled again.]
[Which is to say he doesn't. But... he can believe that no one else has ever validated him that way. At least no one that mattered. Because, even if he doesn't know the extent of Hisoka's feelings about him, he'a aware that he does... matter. In some way.]
[Quiet. Staring at- nothing in particular for a long moment before sitting up, pulling off him. For a second it seems like he's getting up, to leave, to end this- and he fondles at the thought. But instead he turns in his seat, sighing a small breath and moving to face him. His knees bent up on either side of Chrollo, sitting in his lap in a way, close, chest to chest but not touching.]
[That tone.]
[He hears those words in his mind a few times, echoing. Said like that- so serious, thoughtful. But then, wasn't he when he mentioned himself as 'important' to Chrollo? The silence between them now is almost pressing, he doesn't really like the weight of it. But- ah if he really was important to Chrollo?
He likes the idea of it. It makes Hisoka feel like he has more power- in a way. Were he to crush his throat now, the look in those eyes might be all the more deep.]
[A breath, sighing out through his nose and closing his eyes, dipping forward to bump their foreheads together, hands sliding down Chrollo's front and loosely clenching into his shirt. Could he now? Crush him? He knows it'd feel good but- having the man come to his aid so quickly- he knows he should find it funny- cute, even a little sad, and yet. He's just happy for it.]
Mm- I'm not sure. [Pushes a hand up under his chin, his eyelids low, lifting Chrollo's head a little.] I guess not- if it means you treat me like this.
[Frankly... it does mean he has more power, doesn't it? More power to affect Chrollo, to toss him around as they once said. But even if that was the way of the time, things have changed so much in recent weeks... Chrollo barely thinks of it in the same way as he did. Although he sometimes wishes he could.]
[It would be easier, if nothing else.]
[But... complicated feelings. He feels... raw, a little. Strange how much of himself was hidden underneath those four words - Is that a problem? If someone asked him the same thing, he wouldn't be sure either.]
[He lets Hisoka tip his head up... and it's always a little grating when he's posed that way. But he's used to that particular gesture, and moreover... processing those words.
I treat everyone as appropriate. [The edge of his mouth quirks up a little.] For good or ill.
[Which just means... yes, he's...fond of Hisoka. And that means...]
...don't get yourself killed.
[Of course he knows Hisoka can't make that promise - couldn't even if he were inclined to, which is unlikely. But even so.]
[There's a faint smile on his face that could mean a number of things. The control he feels like he has now is pleasing, near intoxicating. To know he has sway over a man like this, a man he's always wanted some control over, to have in a way that satisfied him. The smile could mean its funny, for that same reason.]
[It could mean he, just likes to hear it, is fond of this person. As fond as Chrollo is, or just near it.]
[It could mean a lot, it- does mean a lot. A smile near soft, eyelids lows, fingers just barely touching his face now. Ah- but he can't help bit laugh, smiling wider as his hands both move down, pressing at the small space of ground just between their groins. Hisoka leans in, down, and puckers his lips a little as he brushes his nose against Chrollo's.]
Will I. Could I even die if I tried?
[A heavy gaze now, his body slack but- tense. Thinking of it.]
Were I to get myself killed, the chances of it being by you ranks higher than most.
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That you focused on me simply because I'm the strongest of them.
[It's not something he says regularly. It seems simultaneously excessive and unnecessary. But he can say it. To Hisoka, he can say it.]
In a world without me, perhaps you would have been following one of the others.
[Probably Feitan or Uvo.]
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I'd rather not think of it. ['A world without you'.]
[The words are there, in his mouth, but feel strange. He doesn't say it- or finish it rather.]
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You don't have to.
[Although, isn't that what Hisoka wanted to create?]
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[Another breath but then.]
[Just silence after that.]
[True silence. His mind leans to think about it, his own words, saying such a thing, and then about Chrollo's question. Should Chrollo be gone, should he die- should Hisoka be who ends him, in this world- no, back home, where it was final. He supposes he would just move on, yes. Fight the legs of the spider as they clawed at the air without a head to direct them. He supposes he would.]
[But now.]
[Could he say the same?]
[He doesn't think about it- doesn't want to, as he said. So he stays facing away. Closing his eyes, and focuses on everything else around them. Sound, breeze, his own heart, slow and steady now in his chest. The slight prickle still in his skin. Chrollo's words echoing in his ears. His stomach tossing from the idea of it-
Him gone. A world without him. Why does it keep prying at him? He really feels like an idiot now, ah- and not for the reason Chrollo said it earlier.]
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...Hisoka.
[What to say? He frowns.]
Well. As it stands, you have me for a while longer.
[In fact, Porter magic aside, it's up to Hisoka how long.]
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As long as you like.
[He could add the technicalities - Hisoka has until he claims his end of the deal, so of course it's as long as he likes. In theory. But...
...the thought seems complete where it is. So he leaves it there. Another casual confession that Hisoka is likely to misunderstand.]
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[Quiet for a bit longer before.]
Thank you.
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For the healing?
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Did you rush to my side?
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[No hesitation. No shame.]
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Good.
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Don't get yourself killed. That I can't fix.
[And even if it is temporary here... it still makes him feel... unsettled.]
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Why not? I'd just come back.
[NAH IT'D BE FINE.]
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[...spare him the sight of it.]
...don't. Besides, the resurrection time is unreliable. If you're gone for weeks, my life would lack for color.
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[Then there's just- who he's saying it to in general.]
[Hisoka's not naive to how he can be, he knows he has issues, knows that he hardly deserves anyone to say that to him. He isn't bothered by it, and has never sought out someone to care or feel anything should he endanger himself, should he even die. So to hear it like that- it's weird.]
[He's frowning when and if Chrollo looks down, not really sure of his reply for a few moments before finally looking forward again, still slumped back against him and not about to move.]
At least you have help now, should I disappear. [Because that's- the main issue right. What makes the most sense anyway. He has Uvogin's company, an enhancer, simple at times, in ability, but strong, useful, capable. Maybe his mind is just- purposely avoiding any other reasons. Or trying to- for some reason his gut feels unsettled again.]
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[If Hisoka's avoiding it... well, Chrollo isn't helping. But he's not trying to make it worse, either.]
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I've never felt so important before. [A lie, he always feels important, but from his own arrogance not- someone else's validation.]
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[Which is to say he doesn't. But... he can believe that no one else has ever validated him that way. At least no one that mattered. Because, even if he doesn't know the extent of Hisoka's feelings about him, he'a aware that he does... matter. In some way.]
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Important to someone else before. [A light laugh, letting his weight fall back a bit with a sigh.]
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...is that be a problem?
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[That tone.]
[He hears those words in his mind a few times, echoing. Said like that- so serious, thoughtful. But then, wasn't he when he mentioned himself as 'important' to Chrollo? The silence between them now is almost pressing, he doesn't really like the weight of it. But- ah if he really was important to Chrollo?
He likes the idea of it. It makes Hisoka feel like he has more power- in a way. Were he to crush his throat now, the look in those eyes might be all the more deep.]
[A breath, sighing out through his nose and closing his eyes, dipping forward to bump their foreheads together, hands sliding down Chrollo's front and loosely clenching into his shirt. Could he now? Crush him? He knows it'd feel good but- having the man come to his aid so quickly- he knows he should find it funny- cute, even a little sad, and yet. He's just happy for it.]
Mm- I'm not sure. [Pushes a hand up under his chin, his eyelids low, lifting Chrollo's head a little.] I guess not- if it means you treat me like this.
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[It would be easier, if nothing else.]
[But... complicated feelings. He feels... raw, a little. Strange how much of himself was hidden underneath those four words - Is that a problem? If someone asked him the same thing, he wouldn't be sure either.]
[He lets Hisoka tip his head up... and it's always a little grating when he's posed that way. But he's used to that particular gesture, and moreover... processing those words.
I treat everyone as appropriate. [The edge of his mouth quirks up a little.] For good or ill.
[Which just means... yes, he's...fond of Hisoka. And that means...]
...don't get yourself killed.
[Of course he knows Hisoka can't make that promise - couldn't even if he were inclined to, which is unlikely. But even so.]
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[It could mean he, just likes to hear it, is fond of this person. As fond as Chrollo is, or just near it.]
[It could mean a lot, it- does mean a lot. A smile near soft, eyelids lows, fingers just barely touching his face now. Ah- but he can't help bit laugh, smiling wider as his hands both move down, pressing at the small space of ground just between their groins. Hisoka leans in, down, and puckers his lips a little as he brushes his nose against Chrollo's.]
Will I. Could I even die if I tried?
[A heavy gaze now, his body slack but- tense. Thinking of it.]
Were I to get myself killed, the chances of it being by you ranks higher than most.
How scary for me~
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